In the beginning of COVID, there were two things I feared: the disease itself and the fear of getting COVID. As a disabled person with multiple medical issues, I listened to the news reports of the lack of staff, the lack of personal protective equipment, the lack of facilities, and the need to categorize or prioritize people who became infected by able bodied or disabled. The able bodied were identified as contributing members of society, less expensive to treat, and more likely to survive and recover from the disease. I felt fear and anger that should I seek treatment for COVID as a disabled person, I would be refused admission to the hospital or admitted to the hospital and then left in a corner to die.
This fear created an extremely high level of anxiety as I found myself isolating myself from family members and friends in order to not be infected. Those family members included people older than me with disabilities as well and serious chronic health conditions. Knowing that if they tested positive for COVID meant that they would be given a death sentence. How could their age and their disabilities be considered an inconvenience for the health care system? How could my disabilities be considered the benchmark for whether or not I would receive care. I have never felt so unwanted by society as I did during these early days of COVID. When I spoke out about the ranking of able-bodied people over disabled people to receive treatment, I was shocked to hear able-bodied people tell me that I was a selfish individual. That if I had done more to be healthy before COVID, health care providers would not have had to make this decision. They acted as if my disabilities were my fault and as if my disabilities would simply go away if I wanted them too.
I felt like I had to hide myself away to protect myself not only from the disease but from society itself. I missed my grandson being born and had to view him through the front window of his living room. A piece of glass between us to protect him and myself. Months later after I was vaccinated, I was finally able to hold him. I cry writing this now as just picking him up in my arms felt like the world might be becoming right again. When I was vaccinated, it felt like every part of my body where I experienced lifelong conditions and chronic health issues was attacked. I could barely walk and it felt like every nerve was on fire. I had little strength or ability to complete the smallest tasks. This lasted for weeks. When I brought up my symptoms, I was ignored initially. I suffered endlessly with no relief in sight. Eventually, those symptoms would diminish but I still experience pain in my legs and a feeling of constant exhaustion. I can only hope that our society has learned from COVID to make sure that everyone in the community is protected and cared for no matter what the crisis, disaster or emergency. No one should feel isolated and fear seeking medical help as a disabled person.
