Written Story by F.I. Goldhaber
Alone, Now and Forever
Medium: Written
Sorted by: Theme: Grief & Change
Written Story by Anonymous
Covid-19 was a surprise pandemic. I did not think that it was going to last for more than two years. I was relieved when we had the vaccine specially for healthcare workers and for many immunocompromised categories. I did not think that I was going to get Covid because I took precautions by wearing mask, washing hands, avoiding crowds and avoiding travels. It was sad not to visit my family members and friends for two years but it was better not to spread germs or being exposed from them. Many people were exposed and they were very sick . Many people lost their lives including friends and relatives.it was very scary for the first year specially when we did not have the vaccines for everyone. I had Covid and I stayed home for one week and it was not easy. Many of my friends had Covid and some of them were very sick ,others had mild symptoms.
I remember when we were in the house for 3 months and it was the longest time I stayed in the house without visiting my family and friends. The best experience I had was working from home for 3 months. I spent more money on groceries, vitamins, good water, masks, hand sanitizers and cleaning supplies. I avoided public transportation as much as I could. I did not plan any parties for my family and friends for a long time . I avoided traveling over seas for family visit. I did not like the Covid test at all especially the nasal swab for rapid test and all the advanced Covid tests.Now the Covid is declining everyday in the different countries. I am so glad we don’t have to wear masks everywhere even when traveling. We can wear masks at the hospitals but many places now it is not mandatory anymore because Covid cases continue to decline. It is nice to go to church , restaurants, parks, movie theaters and many places without masks.I can take public transportation without masks as well. Some people are getting sick from Covid but they are having mild symptoms. I am so happy to see few cases of Covid and less cases of hospitalizations. It is nice to see Covid vaccines being available to everyone and it is very important and very helpful to have the information available and medical insurance coverage available for people who can not afford to pay for their health insurance coverage. I would like to thank God for protecting us and all our loved ones. I would like to thank the healthcare professionals who helped us to get through these tough times and the research employees who worked really hard during the Covid. Non profit’ organizations were very helpful as well with helping so many communities with low income families to be able to afford rent, food, healthcare and school fees for their children. Our government did a great job and more people who helped.
Medium: Written
Written Story by Anonymous
The first time I heard about Covid-19, I thought it was the same as any flu that will be over in a couple of weeks. Suddenly, schools were going online, typical school experiences were a thing of the past. I was anxious out of my mind about my last year of high school. My last year of high school, as well as my last year in the early college at Portland Community College, had just begun. I had to take college classes while trying to complete both my high school and associate’s requirements. When we had to switch to online school, I remembered feeling like failure was inevitable for me since I had not anticipated not being in an online environment. I was feeling overwhelmed because I had to adjust to a different learning environment on top of having to juggle my high school and college requirements. I was unfamiliar with learning online and did not know how to navigate this new system. It was a lot of pressure for me to learn all the various tools and techniques quickly. I found myself stuck in feelings of incompetence. I had to take classes like human anatomy and statistics. I convinced myself that I couldn’t do it and that I would not be able to get my associate’s like I wanted. I started showing anxiety symptoms, especially through binge eating because of fear of disappointing myself and my family. I experienced an increased sense of pressure and feeling overwhelmed because I was constantly comparing myself to others and believing I couldn’t keep up. I also felt like I was letting myself and my family down, which led to feelings of guilt and shame. This further compounded my anxiety and negative thoughts. Due to the lockdown in those early stages of Covid-19, I couldn’t get out of my house or find a place to do other things that didn’t pertain to schoolwork. This made it difficult to find a sense of balance and break the cycle of comparison and perfectionism. It also prevented me from taking much-needed breaks and engaging in activities that could help me manage my stress, such as exercise, meditation, or talking to friends. Fortunately, Zoom became famous quickly and a group of people were able to meet online. I had several opportunities to get together with my youth group from church to talk and go through the word of God and remind me that I am not alone even when I think I am. It allowed for a sense of community to remain during this uncertain and isolating time. It gave me the chance to take a break and speak with friends. This helped take my mind off of the stress of the pandemic for a time and gave me a sense of peace. It was a great way to share our joys, sorrows, and experiences with each other. We were also able to use it to stay connected to our church family and keep up to date with all of the latest news and events. There are still after-effects of my experiences of Covid. I was diagnosed with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder in 2021. Most people don’t know if the internal issues I suffered during Covid and even now when the after-effects can be felt. I am glad that I was able to get help when I needed it and found a way to deal with what I was going through.
Medium: Written
Written Story by Emily D.
The traffic has come to a screeching halt, as it so often does during heatwaves. Portland is a city that doesn’t like extremes; if it got too cold, the city would shut down beneath the 2” blanket of snow. If it got too hot, like today, the tunnel to Hwy 26 would back up all the way to the 217 exit.
Of course, I was grateful to be stuck in traffic— given just two years ago the road was much emptier as Portland faced a different extreme that would grind us to a halt. Perhaps Oregon wasn’t the worst state to be stuck in during a global pandemic. Especially compared to some of the other states I heard about on the news. I was grateful our lawmakers and state representatives had taken the virus seriously and prioritized worker safety when it mattered most. In some states, martyrs people were not given the same luxury.
In the beginning of the pandemic, back when the common belief was that in 2-3 weeks “this whole thing would be over”, I was actually relieved to have an extended spring break. The previous terms had been hard as I struggled to adjust to my new college environment. But the relief would be replaced with longing. I couldn’t stay at home for very long, as family tension (exacerbated by the pandemic) forced me to find housing elsewhere. I was alone, barring my cat, in an apartment 200 miles away from my loved ones. The independence that had once tasted so sweet, was now soured by anxiety and depression.
So, I began to walk. First, just around the neighborhood. Then, I started walking a little further with no real destination in mind. Walking gave me a space to check in with my feelings and talk to myself. In each step, I could feel my fears coming to the surface. What if something happens to my parents? Will I get through this next school year? How do I fight this loneliness? I’m scared. Walking through the wooded hills of West Eugene, I tried to find normalcy in the small things. Like the neighborhood cats that would meow at me from their perch on the front lawn— as though they too knew to keep a distance. I tried not to let my eyes settle for too long on the empty playgrounds or shuttered businesses.
A lot of the pandemic can be measured in loss. For the longest, loss was the only way for me to mark the passage of time. Oh, this is when I would’ve been travelling for my honor society convention. Today is graduation week— is there a graduation? I would’ve started work today. When I was walking, I could see my progress. Everyday, the walk would get a little longer until I was walking 3-5 miles daily. Walking was the only control I had over my life at this time and I savored every mile.
Today, sitting in the hot, June traffic, I am grateful to have a destination to attend in the first place. I no longer measure my life through absence but rather I look for the parts that keep my heart full. I am grateful to be surrounded by my friends and family and that they survived the COVID pandemic. I am grateful that I successfully finished school and was able to return to Portland. While I no longer walk miles and miles everyday, I’ve retained the practice of checking in with myself and taking stock of my feelings. I’m scared sometimes but it’s okay. And the traffic begins to ease.
Medium: Written
Written Story by Anonymous
In the beginning of COVID, there were two things I feared: the disease itself and the fear of getting COVID. As a disabled person with multiple medical issues, I listened to the news reports of the lack of staff, the lack of personal protective equipment, the lack of facilities, and the need to categorize or prioritize people who became infected by able bodied or disabled. The able bodied were identified as contributing members of society, less expensive to treat, and more likely to survive and recover from the disease. I felt fear and anger that should I seek treatment for COVID as a disabled person, I would be refused admission to the hospital or admitted to the hospital and then left in a corner to die.
This fear created an extremely high level of anxiety as I found myself isolating myself from family members and friends in order to not be infected. Those family members included people older than me with disabilities as well and serious chronic health conditions. Knowing that if they tested positive for COVID meant that they would be given a death sentence. How could their age and their disabilities be considered an inconvenience for the health care system? How could my disabilities be considered the benchmark for whether or not I would receive care. I have never felt so unwanted by society as I did during these early days of COVID. When I spoke out about the ranking of able-bodied people over disabled people to receive treatment, I was shocked to hear able-bodied people tell me that I was a selfish individual. That if I had done more to be healthy before COVID, health care providers would not have had to make this decision. They acted as if my disabilities were my fault and as if my disabilities would simply go away if I wanted them too.
I felt like I had to hide myself away to protect myself not only from the disease but from society itself. I missed my grandson being born and had to view him through the front window of his living room. A piece of glass between us to protect him and myself. Months later after I was vaccinated, I was finally able to hold him. I cry writing this now as just picking him up in my arms felt like the world might be becoming right again. When I was vaccinated, it felt like every part of my body where I experienced lifelong conditions and chronic health issues was attacked. I could barely walk and it felt like every nerve was on fire. I had little strength or ability to complete the smallest tasks. This lasted for weeks. When I brought up my symptoms, I was ignored initially. I suffered endlessly with no relief in sight. Eventually, those symptoms would diminish but I still experience pain in my legs and a feeling of constant exhaustion. I can only hope that our society has learned from COVID to make sure that everyone in the community is protected and cared for no matter what the crisis, disaster or emergency. No one should feel isolated and fear seeking medical help as a disabled person.
Medium: Written
Audio Story by Domatha
English Translation
We had a problem with COVID the whole year. We had sick people and the company was closed for three months. Our kids became sick and we could not go to the hospital because the hospitals were not accepting people. There were a lot of problems, too many problems, like hunger, no food for the kids and no money. It was hard because we lost people in our family and we were not allowed to go for their funeral because of COVID. That is some of the problems that we had in our family. We just don’t know what to do should this ever happen again because it’s such a problem. COVID is a problem to everyone ,kids ,parents ,and lots of other people. COVID became a problem because of language problems. When they call us to ask questions we don’t know what to say or answer. COVID came with a lot of problems, but work is important to us and we could not go when kids were sick. They have to stay in their rooms. Even going to see friends and visiting others is hard because there was no public transportation. We cannot talk about it so much [about COVID] and cover everything because there were too many problems associated with COVID like not being able to go shopping, to go to work, and school and companies still being closed. We could not go to the burials of family members and community members who died. There is no way to be helped, but we know that we can get help with work from the government, but what I would say is that COVID is really bad because when your family member dies you may not be able to see them. COVID really made us feel down.
Swahili Transcription
Tulikuwa na tatizo la COVID mwaka mzima. Tulikuwa na wagonjwa na kampuni ilifungwa kwa miezi mitatu. Watoto waliugua na hatukuweza kwenda hospitalini kwa sababu hospitali hazikuwa zikipokea watu. Kulikuwa na shida nyingi, shida nyingi, kama njaa, hakuna chakula cha watoto na pesa. Ilikuwa ngumu kwa sababu tulipoteza watu katika familia yetu na hatukuruhusiwa kwenda kwa mazishi yao kwa sababu ya COVID. Hayo ni baadhi ya matatizo ambayo tulikuwa nayo katika familia yetu. Hatujui tufanye nini ikiwa hii itatokea tena kwa sababu ni shida sana. COVID ni tatizo kwa kila mtu, watoto, wazazi, na watu wengine wengi. COVID imekuwa tatizo kwa sababu ya matatizo ya lugha. Wanapotupigia simu kuuliza maswali hatujui la kusema wala kujibu. COVID ilikuja na matatizo mengi, lakini kazi ni muhimu kwetu na hatukuweza kwenda wakati watoto walikuwa wagonjwa. Wanapaswa kukaa katika vyumba vyao. Hata kwenda kuwaona marafiki na kuwatembelea wengine ni ngumu kwa sababu hapakuwa na usafiri wa umma. Hatuwezi kuizungumzia sana na kumaliza kila kitu kwa sababu kulikuwa na matatizo mengi sana yanayohusiana na COVID kama vile hakuna ununuzi, hakuna kwenda kazini au kampuni za shule bado zimefungwa. Wanafamilia pamoja na wanajamii waliofariki hawakuweza kwenda kuzikwa. Hakuna njia ya kusaidiwa, lakini tunajua kwamba tunaweza kupata usaidizi wa kazi kutoka kwa serikali, lakini ninachoweza kusema ni kwamba COVID ni mbaya sana kwa sababu mwanafamilia wako anapokufa huenda usiweze kuwaona. COVID kweli ilitufanya tujihisi chini.Hayo ni baadhi ya matatizo ambayo tulikuwa nayo katika familia yetu. Hatujui tufanye nini ikiwa hii itatokea tena kwa sababu ni shida sana. COVID ni tatizo kwa kila mtu, watoto, wazazi, na watu wengine wengi. COVID imekuwa tatizo kwa
sababu ya matatizo ya lugha. Wanapotupigia simu kuuliza maswali hatujui la kusema wala kujibu. COVID ilikuja na matatizo mengi, lakini kazi ni muhimu kwetu na hatukuweza kwenda wakati watoto walikuwa wagonjwa. Wanapaswa kukaa katika vyumba vyao. Hata kwenda kuwaona marafiki na kuwatembelea wengine ni ngumu kwa sababu hapakuwa na usafiri wa umma. Hatuwezi kuizungumzia sana na kumaliza kila kitu kwa sababu kulikuwa na matatizo mengi sana yanayohusiana na COVID kama vile hakuna ununuzi, hakuna kwenda kazini au kampuni za shule bado zimefungwa. Wanafamilia pamoja na wanajamii waliofariki hawakuweza kwenda kuzikwa. Hakuna njia ya kusaidiwa, lakini tunajua kwamba tunaweza kupata usaidizi wa kazi kutoka kwa serikali, lakini ninachoweza kusema ni kwamba COVID ni mbaya sana kwa sababu mwanafamilia wako anapokufa huenda usiweze kuwaona. COVID kweli ilitufanya tujihisi chini.
Medium: Audio
Artwork Story by Dani Garrett
Illustration of a white presenting person with long dark brown hair wearing a black t-shirt sitting and holding her face, overwhelmed by various 2020 newspaper headlines about COVID-19, protests, and political turmoil. The headlines include topics like George Floyd, “Stay at Home” orders, and an uncertain future in 2020.
Medium: Artwork
Written Story by Daniela Ortiz Mendez
We met at Amelia’s
Saludos, mi nombre es Daniela Ortiz Mendez,
and I want to share a poem, a story, a memory with you.
This all took place in my head, in her head, in our countries, and across a border. It was May 2021.
We met at Amelia’s
And we sat down for tacos and coffee
It pained me to see her so sad, but I knew it was nothing compared to her loss. She told me she hadn’t taken a break
“The business isn’t going to run itself”
I hate how legalities can stifle grief
She gave me a golden box, her most prized possession
It was heavy,
the weight of responsibility,
of sadness,
of wanting to desperately do more
I’m so sorry I couldn’t.
This gold urn with ashes of loved ones was the cost of our healthcare system
I traversed airport lines and land borders, carrying this urn on my back; I arrived in Tijuana, next to the kiosko with bright crepe paper hanging from the wrought iron This plaza that had once been my childhood stomping grounds
Now I stood there,
So much anger and guilt, my insides felt wrought too
This American Dream turned to systemic letdown,
I’m sorry this country didn’t do more.
The feeling of having to hand over the loved one of a loved one,
Because they can’t leave
Because lack of business benefits
Because legal status
BECAUSE OUR COUNTRY DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH
He flew from a different state to retrieve his father
And as I handed him to his son,
Transference of weight,
We shared a moment that I hope in the future will not exist,
Where loved ones can cross country lines to be with each other in life, “en vida”, without borders and visas holding them back instead of carrying their ashes on our backs, Where our healthcare system gives quality treatment to all of their patients, even those of us who can’t advocate in English,
Where we don’t have to be crying at a fucking Amelia’s because we lost someone.
More pandemics will come
And I hope we can learn, change
Because saline sadness don’t belong on café y tacos
And we are tired of tallying up lives,
of bringing home people who should have had more years,
More breathing,
laughing,
crying,
and loving in the arms of their amor
Medium: Written
Written Story by Cori-Anne Woodard
A Grocery Store Worker in Covid Times
I am the person at the grocery store who moves the carts around, the person who cleans the bathrooms, the person who helps you shop, the person who drops the shopping baskets in a pile, right by the door, for you, the customer, to pick up and do your shopping.
I wear the typical blue jeans uniform, work casual, with the bright colored vest so that you can see me.
But. You don’t.
For the most part, during the Covid-19 pandemic, I was just doing my job, going in to work, every day to the grocery store, as I witnessed the pandemic, and its effects, observing silently, in this town square environment, as you the customer, hoarded toilet paper, chicken, eggs, yeast, anything to make you feel like this was not the end of the world.
During these dark times, especially at first, when we didn’t know much about this new virus, a sure and silent killer, how it spread, who would get it and why. It was like being in a long, dark tunnel, an endless night, where no one goes to sleep and where no one wakes up, either.
Every single day, just like the last, no page turns, just the same words, the same sentence, over and over: Is this life, or death? Is this my last day? Is this the day I die alone, in a hospital, nurses hovering over me, like mourning doves, and my friends and family just moving images in a frame on a tiny cell phone?
One day at work, my manager asked me to stay; he had already approved unlimited overtime. The store had already met last year’s dollar intake, and the day was only half over. I moved into the place at the end of the register and began bagging groceries. Me, on robot mode, now, looking for the end of the line. There was no end. I was sleep-working, opening the bags, putting the suddenly invisible amounts of goods into the countless bags. My arms on autopilot, my eyes unable to comprehend the purchases, my senses acutely aware of the real fear in each customer’s eyes. It was the fear of a wild animal on the hunt. It was the fear of the unknown; the poignant, wretched fear of the loss of control.
I hoped no one would act out and do anything rash.
I hoped I wouldn’t get this new, terrible disease. I hoped I would see customers again. And my coworkers, I hoped they would stay well.
Medium: Written
Audio Story by Clotilide
English Translation
It was really difficult during this Corona time. We lost a lot of things like work, money and food. Many people I knew died of Corona, but in my family nobody died, so I thank God for that. I know some of my neighbors died of Coronavirus. There was also so much poverty because there was no work. We as women had a lot of problems because we stayed home for a long time, actually a whole year without work or money. We also kept hearing every now and then certain families have lost someone or certain communities have lost someone. This was really hard on us hearing these things and yet there is nothing we could do to help. So, we keep asking God to help us so that Corona never comes back again. We are also asking the government to continue helping us out ,that is our request. We were also really praying to God to help this Corona go away because we lived in so much fear. We knew that if you went out somewhere you would come back with Corona. We also knew that if kids went somewhere like school they would also come back with Corona. We were that afraid, but now we thank God he has really saved us because we are still alive. Many died ,we saw some of this in the news and it was really scary. There was so much poverty and life was uncertain without money and with kids, but we thank God for having taken care of us through vaccines that we got, which really helped out like the vaccines. Our prayer is to stay safe and healthy, so that this disease does not come back again ever and we ask the government for continuous help.
Swahili Transcription
Ilikuwa ngumu sana wakati huu wa Corona. Tulipoteza vitu vingi kama kazi, pesa na chakula. Watu wengi niliowafahamu walikufa kwa Corona, lakini katika familia yangu hakuna aliyefariki, hivyo namshukuru Mungu kwa hilo. Najua baadhi ya majirani zangu walikufa kwa Coronavirus. Pia kulikuwa na umaskini mwingi kwa sababu hakukuwa na kazi. Sisi kama wanawake tulikuwa na shida nyingi kwa sababu tulikaa nyumbani kwa muda mrefu, kwa kweli mwaka mzima bila kazi au pesa. Pia tuliendelea kusikia kila kukicha familia fulani zimepoteza mtu au jamii fulani zimepoteza mtu. Hili lilikuwa gumu sana kwetu kusikia mambo haya na bado hakuna tunachoweza kufanya ili kusaidia. Kwa hiyo, tunaendelea kumuomba Mungu atusaidie ili Corona isirudi tena. Pia tunaiomba serikali iendelee kutusaidia, hilo ni ombi letu. Pia tulikuwa tunamuomba sana Mungu atuepushe na Corona maana tuliishi kwa hofu kubwa. Tulijua kwamba ukitoka mahali fulani utarudi na Corona. Pia tulijua kwamba watoto wakienda mahali fulani kama shule wangerudi na Corona. Tulikuwa na hofu hiyo, lakini sasa tunamshukuru Mungu kwa kweli ametuokoa kwa sababu bado tuko hai. Wengi walikufa, tuliona baadhi ya haya kwenye habari na ilikuwa ya kutisha sana. Kulikuwa na umaskini mwingi na maisha hayakuwa na uhakika bila pesa na watoto, lakini tunamshukuru Mungu kwa kututunza kupitia matibabu ambayo tulipata ambayo yalisaidia sana kama chanjo. Maombi yetu ni kuwa salama na afya njema, ili ugonjwa huu usijirudie tena na tunaiomba serikali kwa msaada endelevu.
Medium: Audio